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Tuesday, January 04, 2005


Okay, I don't usually like to revel in the misfortune of others, but I feel this is valid.
So, I'm watching the Orange Bowl -USC vs. Oklahoma- and it's a blowout. Whatever. Then, the halftime show starts, and who is the headliner but Ashlee (don't you just love the way she spells it!) Simpson. Well, as expected, her voice sounds absolutely retched, and she trips through her already horrible song, bum note after bum note vomiting from her throat in a gurgling stream of bad taste. She even tries to get all Joan Jett or Karen O. gritty with it, but this only sounds worse, as if she is grunting at the painful sound of her own voice. Then it happens. Her song finally ends. I only know this because I see her band stop playing. I could not hear them. The booing was too loud. That's right. Even I felt bad for her.
If you look down two entries (or have picked up on my subtle jibes thus far(I'm kidding)), you can see that I don't have much love for the Simpson sisters. Ashlee's album is approaching 4 million sold. Her record label/creation machine spent enough money making her talentless act popular enough to fund 20 bands that actually deserve it.
Somehow, though, when close to 100,000 people simultaneously booed Ashlee Simpson an hour ago, I wasn't full of excitement. I was full of pity. But, the pity went away, and here I am. We have raised many people to a level of fame they do not deserve. I've been picking on the Simpson sisters lately, but that's just because they've been in the news the most, lately.
So, here is my request to you: Say you like one of Ashlee's singles. Say you've decided to get her new album, but haven't bought it yet. Think about where your $15 is going. Where is Ashlee going to spend it? Where is her record label going to spend it? Where is the store you bought it from going to spend it? Then look at the world around you. Do you really want to do this? No, you don't. You want to take your money and spend it on something nice. You want to pay me because I am blackmailing you for wanting to buy Ashlee Simpson's album. I guarantee you I will spend your money on something better. Like milk duds. Good night.


Anonymous said...

She is the hit in Germany. I don't understand it either. What has the world come to when OJ Simpson's daughter is hugely popular in Europe? Me either.

Jon said...

hahahahaa, that was awesome. It made me cry. I completely agree, I'm just waiting for the chance to meet Jessica Simpson face to face so I can pretend I have no idea who she is.


Jon said...

I just read your last post on music. Wow Nic, that's an incredible set of reviews, even in their single paragraph forms. I'm going to get you a job writing reviews until you make your first movie. We still gotta watch the Graduate sometime. Later


Nicholas said...

Yes. Please get me a job. Please! Seriously! I think. I don't know. I can't decide.