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Saturday, March 12, 2005

An Un-American Rant

So, anyway, I haven't ranted in a while. I'm sure you have all been contemplating the knife while I was gone. Well, I'm back (again) baby!
So, my dad is a crawfisherman, and I help out sometimes(this rant gets much bigger in scope, I promise). Everytime someone comes to pick up crawfish, they ask, "These are really big, right? I only want big ones! Are these big? I just want big ones." It is common knowledge to most people who boil crawfish that big crawfish do not take seasoning (i.e. it's hard to impossible to give em flavor). Large crawfish, on the average, also have less fat, which aparently makes them less tasty. What you really want are medium-sized crawfish, which you can work wonders with. Well, if this is common knowledge, why does everyone still ask for only big crawfish? My dad said it all:

Pops: "They don't want the car. They want the SUV."
Nicholas: "Yeah, they want the Humvee."
Pops: "Doesn't matter if it gets three miles to the gallon, and ain't worth shit."
Nicholas: "Yep."
Pops: "They want the big ones."
Nicholas: "It's the American way."
Pops: "Yep (makes obscure Simpsons' reference I can't remember).
Nicholas: 'Yep."
Pops: "Here, I've been saving a millions dollars for a rainy day. Don't spend it all in one place.
Nicholas: "Sweet."

So, this rant is pretty self explanatory. America is known for the eight pound cheeseburger that could gag a horse, but dammit, make it bigger. Why? I haven't heard of any science brief about Americans having small penises, so what are we making up for? No, really, I don't know. Somebody tell me. I'll hug you if you do (in my imagination).
Also, while we're on the subject of SUV, gas cost more than a breast implant, right now. There's a surplus of gas, but still, we Americans are being raped. Meanwhile, El Presidente W is going around the country pushing a social security agenda that
A. Doesn't make sense, and
B. Addresses a crisis that won't affect America for another forty years.

Why? Why isn't he talking about the gas prices? He is refered to as the Texas Oilman. Is he in bed with the folks that are getting rich off of us, right now? Once again, if someone can tell me the answer, I'll draw a picture of us hugging. Seriously. What is up with this crazy place? I'm all for a huge drop in American gas consumption (we are hogging it all), and I am a big advocate of gas-electric hybrid vehicles, but really, why is no one, especially the government, trying to make the price of gas go down?
Goods have to be brought somewhere, thus the price of everything is going to go up, meaning inflation, meaning we are all going to be screwed, right now, as opposed to the Social Security "crisis", which won't take effect for about a half a century, if ever.
I don't get it.
Signed,
me. Have a good Saturday night. I will, if I can just take a power nap, first. Or, I could be a machine and do without it...maybe I should eat more ice cream, the more the better, with sprinkles on top...big ones, only big ones.

2 comments:

Jon said...

Big sprinkles are the only ones worth a darn.

-E said...

I like BIG.....bowls of ice cream :P

I wouldn't call him a Texas oilman, seeing as how well his own company did....