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Saturday, January 21, 2006

I've grabbed my coat, and I've left

I don't know about you, but I often find the majority of January to be the lobby where I contemplate the past and plan the future before leaving for the active existence that is the present and ongoing year. I find myself obsessing over the main parts and finer details of the previous year, sometimes to a fault that cracks down the center of the present. Obviously, this can lead to problems. If I can get past this period feeling good, I am usually in pretty good shape. There is, of course, a pragmatic way that these reflections must be ended. For instance, I must realize that, though I am at peace with the choices and actions I have made in the previous year, I must realize that throughout this year, and for the rest of my life, I will be dealing with the consequences of these choices and actions. A severed tie is a severed tie.
At the start of 2004, I could not come to terms with my actions and choices in the previous year, and this led to a near nervous breakdown and a seven-month migraine. The negatives of this are inherent in the description, but this time period also led to great things. For instance, by having to look in the mirror for seven months, I not only came to terms with the previous year, but also, my entire life up to that point. As a result of this reflection, I not only had a huge sense of victory upon the end of the migraine, but also a renewed understanding and sense of self. I generally regard 2004 as one of the best years of my life, perhaps behind only 1999 (the year I turned 18) and 1995 (the last year before I really came of age).
Well, I am happy to say that today I have stepped out of the lobby without a migraine or a lasting regret, and I am happily looking forward to the rest of the year and what the future holds.
Is anyone else as reflective as this? I know that my mind operates at a much higher rate than most people. I am not saying I am smarter than most people, I am only saying there are not many people out there who live inside of their head as much as me. Well, anyone else have a New Year ritual, or do you just keep on truckin?


leslie said...

i just had the best conversation i've had in a long time.

with yo sista.

are you callin' my friends xanga sluts? who do you think you are?

and that's the best i can do with any kind of ebonics.

Jordan said...

keep on truckin', nooch.

I refer to M. Ward for the moment:

"I spent way too much time inside myself, I don't know what I was thinking about"

from A Voice At the End of the Line

(and deep in my mind I'm dying your lover now)

Next is DEAD MAN. so get that.
I'm dead.

Nicholas said...

According to Webster's:
Slut-a)a promiscuous person; b)a loose girl; c)someone who uses Xanga
HAHA! Nah, you and my cousins are a'ight.
Yeah, my sister's pretty awesome. She good to talk to, yo.
J'Man: Wha?!

Jon said...

Contemplation is definitely a beautiful thing sometimes. Unfortunately, sometimes I can fall into that perpetual kind of thinking that leads to not happy places for me. Haven't gotten there yet this year, good thing, I'm way too busy to get depressed. I'm actually pretty excited about this semester, and nervous. I think I may have too much to do. Oh well, I'll just quit church and then I'll have plenty of time. hahaha, just kidding, but really I think wednesday nights are out for me, and now they're doing young adults on thursday nights!! Crazy! So that means I've got something to go to on tues, weds, and thurs nights. NO WAY!!! I'm cutting it all out man. Ok well now that I've written like my life story on your blog, I guess I'll call it quits. Oh one more thing, dude, I wanna go visit Jesus People USA in Chicago this summer. hahaha, I bet you didn't see that coming! For real, my summer is crazy, I have no idea what I'm going to do. Oh well.


PS- I have no money, cuz I have no time to work. :-(

-E said...

I try to do some reflection on decisions I have made throughout the year. So I'm pretty good on that front. I don't really have any sort of ritual to start the new year. It really is just another day. But then Jan is probably my least fave month due to a few things so it really doesn't get any sort of special nod from my mind.

Glad you got through it without a migraine though :)

Jordan said...

glad you got through it too, nic.

Translation of previous message :) :

At times I'm way too introspective and am given to over analyze and over think about circumstances, leading to anxiousness and worry. I've learned more to lay things down at The Father's feet and trust him with it. Not to say I don't contemplate or meditate or think. I just try and do it with the best frame of reference in mind, being his mind and how he would think. I've found myself sometimes though, to think more of my mind as an enemy or a tool of the enemy. So I cut myself off from it and just try and feel from my heart. This is restricting because God wants to speak with holy thought and give me a sound mind, not just cut it off. So yeah, I lay that down too, and do my best to rely on his understanding cuz I don't know nothing.

That's what I meant :)

I'm trying to cut down on my comments length and sum myself up better, but obviously I can become a bit obscure.

all the best,


leslie said...

commenting twice. oh dear.

i do find that i'm inside my own mind way too much. and when i try to bring what i've been thinking about outside and share it, i often find that whoever i'm with will simply raise their eyebrows and mutter a confused "mmhmm" to try to give me some feedback. usually it's just obscure ideas or something - sometimes i laugh outloud and then fail to be able to explain what i was laughing at because it's in my head. as far as thinking about my past and future, inevitably i find myself reflecting on it often, and i have to remind myself not to think about it too much and just let it happen. and as far as january, well, it's the beginning of the circle and its color is grey. in my head, that's the way i see it. february is blue, march green, april yellow-green, and so on.

yes sir.

Nicholas said...

Jon:I was going to call you earlier today, but I got majorly distracted, so I am calling you tomorrow.
E: Thanks! I'm sorry about your January sadness. Mine were pretty uniformly crappy (as in near-vehicular-homicide crappy) until last year--then again, this month isn't over yet, so maybe I should watch my mouth.
Jordan: Once I tried to get in God's head and I woke up in Mexico City in the middle of the street wearing only a shirt that said, "I tried to get inside of God's head, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Seriously, though, in the end for me, the choice does always seems to be "give it to God, or be miserable." Unfortunately, I do not always choose number one.
Leslie: This blog was made to have its entries replied to repeatedly. And that sounded really dirty, but seriously, blogger is set up so that posts (hopefully) become discussions and exchanges of thought. After reading your comment, I really want to hear what you've been thinking. Sometimes I tell people what I have been thinking, and they say "you have derailed", but in reality, I am just smarter than, really. Yes, I'm kidding... No, I'm not... I have thought about the months as their own colors, too. Not exactly the same ones you said, but colors (and shapes), nonetheless.

leslie said...

My thoughts are many more than I can write down on this post, so I'll just leave you with a few. As I've told you, a year for me is split into colors and feelings. Something about the smells and sights of the seasons causes these different feelings to set in somewhere deep inside my chest. Like when I smell Gran's perfume or remember when she used to ask me to feed the birds - I get a feeling like I used to when I was around her. It's funny to me the way memories spring up randomly during everyday life - hell, memory is something I think about all the time. But back to the years. Separated, of course, into smaller and smaller units. Months are colors, weeks look like train tracks, days are the boxes made by the train tracks, and within each box there are dots within dots within dots, representing hours/minutes/seconds. And with everything there is, of course, a feeling associated. The time during a day that I spend sleeping is represented by a dark, foggy color and the time when I'm awake is sort of like a photograph in very good focus. I wonder what it would look like if I were to paint it. I'm quite sure it would not be a perfect circle, but rather an abstract shape that starts somewhere and ends at the same place. I wonder how other people subconsiously picture time. Tell me what you've been thinking?

Nicholas said...

O.K., we really should talk sometime.
I see time in weird ways, too. In four year cycles, I guess, starting in 1994. 94, 98, and 02 are the years that start off with promise and optimism, but then somewhere during the summer just totally go to crap. 94: I don't hit puberty when everyone else does, my gramps get a hernia and slowly dies. 98: I get a debiliting and embarrassing injury that continuously cuts me off from others. I also spend time obsessing over a girl I SHOULD NOT have been obsessing over, then stop myself before it goes anywhere and spend all the rest of my time sulking about it. 02: I get my ass handed to me in a spiritual debate and basically spend the rest of the year doubting myself and everything I do. Also, I get stalked by someone. Then 95, 99, and 03 are renaissance years that play out like the most satisfying party, but always end with me sitting in a dumpster holding the bill. I have breakthroughs in art in discovery, but lose sight of myself. 95: The last year before I came of age. 99: the year I was 17 (ends with me on the operating table, and shortly after, on the side of the road next to a totalled car filled with innocent people I nearly killed). 03: the year I broke free of human bondage (but ended stuck in bondage to myself).
Then 96, 00, 04. Years I deal with the actions of the previous year. Basically, years I heal and change for the better.
Finally, 97, 01, 05. Years that lack focus, and usually hold personal tragedies mirroring national tragedies (the death of loved ones coinciding with 9/11 and Katrina, respectively).
So that was really long. Anyway, I usually spend time contemplating the similarities in the years, and what I can learn by this. Personally, I think the cycle is getting weaker and weaker, but I feel like I can learn a lot from reflecting on what parts are caused by me, and what things I have no control over. Also, I guess I try not to follow the cycle subconsciously, either, but that in itself is sort of like giving into the cycle, sort of.
Okay, seriously, when are we going to have a sit down?

Leslie aka I have to get up at 7am. Dang it. said...

in response to the very first and very last parts of your last post: see facebook.

in response to the rest of it: That's really interesting. It's a pattern. I've always known my life to be completely spontaneous. Or is it? I like a movie called Pi in which it is claimed that there are patterns everywhere. Now that I'm thinking about it, the strange little things in my life are less like patterns and more like coincidences. For example, the year my big brother graduated from high school was the same year that I started kindergarten, and we were very close. 5 of the 6 people in my immediate family have birthdays that are either in February or on the 27th of a month. The exception is my big sister, who happens to be the "black sheep". She's always felt a little out of place with my dad. And it also happens that my brother, my father's only son, has his birthday on February 27th, a double whammy. Anyway, I'm not saying at all that any of this means anything. It's all just observation. I could go on for a long time, but I'll save it.

Oh! Cake does help with patience. as well as spaghetti-o's, pizza, apples, ice cream, focaccia bread (spelling?), popcorn...ilikefood.