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Saturday, December 11, 2010

It is Really Something to be Alive Pt. 1

Last night I went out to rent a film while my wife put our son to bed. As I passed the haunting lights of our Christmas Tree, I knew that it was a time to listen to my The Sixth Sense Soundtrack*. I knew that the movie, Citizen Kane**, was a Blockbuster Exclusive, but in an attempt to save $3, I checked the Racetrac gas station by the Interstate, which contains a Blockbuster Express machine. As I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a very frightening man sitting on the concrete, hiding behind the ice machine, smoking a cigarette. Maybe the music was making me paranoid. As soon as I opened my car door, someone ran full speed toward me. I ducked down into my car, only to hear a disengaged young female voice announce that her school dance team was short on funds and needed money for uniforms. I gave her all the cash I had in my wallet, one US dollar, the one with George Washington's face on it. She robotically thanked me and ran up to the next car pulling up. As I exited my car, I noticed teenage girls with money envelopes running all around the urban wasteland of a parking lot. I went inside, the machine did not contain Citizen Kane, and I walked back outside. The scary hiding man was putting his cigarette out on the curb, and I scurried to my car, drove away. I hit the Interstate, headed for the next exit. A loud noise blasted from inside my car and I jumped out of my skin. The noise came from The Sixth Sense Soundtrack, backing the moment in the film where the first ghost passes by the restroom. I laughed hysterically and drove on to Blockbuster.
The Blockbuster was packed***. I found Citizen Kane and walked to the counter. The three employee's were talking about how one of them liked to glue quarters to the ground in the mall, hide, and watch as people struggled and failed to pick them up.
"You jerk!" I yelled. "I fell for that once, and when I realized the quarter was stuck and I was being watched, I got so angry, I tried even harder to pull it up off the ground."
"So did you get it?"
"No! I felt like a moron."
As I left, one of the girls yelled, "Stay away from those quarters!"
The Sixth Sense Soundtrack ended. The final notes always remind me that we are all alone on this rock hurtling through the darkness together. Of course, I believe God is with us, but I truly feel he gave us each other so that we would not feel alone. I'm sure that's how watching The Sixth Sense makes you feel, too.
After the soundtrack ended I put on The Beatles' "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"****, and pulled up to another gas station because at this point I was out of gas. There was a large, scary man with a skull cap hovering near the Redbox machine next to the gas station. While I was pumping my gas I heard him yell, "What up, Puta!" to a Latino guy getting into his car. "Hey, screw you, man!" the guy yelled back and spun out of the parking lot. I tried to pump my gas as quickly as I could, but just as I was replacing the nozzle, I heard, "Say, bruh, whatup bruh?" in an incredibly deep voice.
Oh crap, I thought. I turned around and he was right in my face.
"Say, bruh, you got anything, even one or two dollars just so I can get some gas money, bruh?"
"I gotta be completely honest with you, man, I just gave my last dollar to those dance team girls running up and down the street."
"Hey, you my man, you my man. Say, bruh, put it right there."
He raised his fist, and I bumped it.
"Say, bruh, what does 'Puta' mean?"
"Wh...what?"
"I heard it the other day and it sounded Mexican, so I told that Mexican dude just now 'Hey, Puta!' and he got all pissed at me."
"You probably shouldn't say it."
"Why, bruh, whas 'Puta' mean?"
"Ha. Something really bad."
He appeared to be edging over to my passenger side door so that he could go home with me.
"Haha, that's my boy. Say, bruh, you have a good night."
"You too, dude." I got in my car and left.
When I got home I made a special sauce out of mustard, mayonnaise, Budweiser Barbecue Sauce (tm), chili powder, and cayenne pepper, then spread it on a couple of Turkey and Cheddar sandwiches, tossed them in the sandwich maker, and drank a Pepsi Throwback while Crystal and I watched Citizen Kane.
THE END
*Because that movie was awesome. Seriously, no matter what you think of his later work, M Night Shyamalan made a masterpiece with that one (and I also think Unbreakable was a minor masterpiece).
**I'm lying. The film was actually Going the Distance, a romantic comedy my wife wanted to see, and I agreed to, as my last pick, Prince Caspian, was absolutely abysmal. It was even worse than the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe adaptation from 2005. Seriously, is it that hard to adapt a 140 page book? Don't even get me started. Going the Distance was actually a raunchy sex comedy more than a romantic comedy, but it was quite funny and Charlie Day stole the whole movie. If you don't know who Charlie Day is, nevermind. Go watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on the FX network at 9 PM Central, Thursdays.
***There were only two other customers inside. See the previous post.
****I'm lying, I put on "It's Been Awhile" by Staind.

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