Hi. Let me re-cap last night's South Park episode.
Wait? You hate South Park?
That's okay, listen to my ramblings anyway...
Stan, (the kid in red and blue) passes by a "survey" table. It actually turns out to be a Dianetics (Scientology) table. Stan, who is perfectly normal and happy, is given a survey, and told that he is very depressed. As Stan is only in the second grade, he of course believes the survey. He is later tested by the Scientologists for "thetans" and when his "thetan" count is unnaturally high, he is told he is the re-incarnation of L. Ron Hubbard (Science Fiction author/founder of Scientology). Stan's house is then bombarded by Scientologists who want to see their re-incarnated leader. Of course, John Travolta is there, but a certain someone is missing-that is until Stan goes up to his bedroom. You know who's waiting. Yep. It's Tom Cruise. Tom, looking for acceptance from Stan, asks for Stan's opinion. Stan tells Tom that he is an okay actor, but not that great, at least not as good as"Leonardo diCaprio...or that kid from Napoleon Dynamite." Tom Cruise, crushed, turns around, and locks himself in...the closet. Can you see where this is going?
"Come out of the closet, Tom" Stan and his parents beg. Tom won't budge. Soon, news crews are there. "Ladies and Gentleman," says the reporter, "Tom Cruise absolutely refuses to come out of the closet!" Travolta tries to get Tom to come out of the closet, but then goes in, too. Of course, a certain R & B star comes to sing about the proceedings...if you've been following pop culture much, you can probably guess that it is R. Kelly, fresh off his (brilliant?) "Trapped in the Closet" series of songs and videos. This is genius.
Meanwhile, Stan is shown what many scientologists only get to see after years (and a certain amount of money)-the secrets of Scientology. What follows is absolutely ridiculous: a short film that begins 75 million years ago. In the film, we meet Xenu, a galactic lord who thinks certain planets are overpopulated with certain types of beings. Xenu puts these beings in spaceships that look like modern jets, and takes them to the planet Teegeeack, a.k.a. Earth. He then takes their frozen bodies, stacks them around volcanoes and sets off hydrogen bombs and? makes them watch brain-washing videos. The beings, a.k.a. "thetans" then enter into the humans on Earth as parasites, which can now thankfully be removed with current Scientology techinques. Halfway through the film, a message that says "This is what Scientologists really believe" pops up and stays there for the remainder of the "secret" film.
The scary thing? This really is what Scientologists believe. Don't believe me?
The episode ends when a leading Scientologist reveals to Stan that Scientology is just a lie to make money. Stan tries to go along with it, by giving a speech to a huge crowd of Scientologists that will re-affirm their beliefs. However, Stan finds he can't go through with it, and tells the crowd the truth. The crowd's response is to yell, "We'll sue you!"
"Fine!" yells Stan, alone, and tiny behind a huge podium.
"We will!" yells the crowd, filling the screen.
"Fine! Sue me!"
"Oh, we will, we're gonna sue you!"
"Do it! Sue me!"
"Oh, we will!"
"Fine! Do it!"
"We're going to sue you!"
"Fine! Fine! Go ahead! Sue me!"
I am guessing this scene is a commentary on Scientology's harsh response to critics.
Oh, and Tom Cruise?
Unfortunately, he never comes out of the closet.