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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Alabama Sucks

Imagine that one night I call you up, tell you I am going to beat you, come into your house, and beat the crap out of you in front of your wife and children.  You stay home for two months healing, thinking about nothing but me, while I am out scrapping and barfighting, taking on and defeating all comers. One night I get a phone call from someone saying you are on the way to my house. Who is more prepared to kick the crap out of who? Who is more motivated?
That's right, Bama, you are, you bunch of sniveling brown-nosers.  How can you even hold your trophy high given the back problems you must be having from all the bending over backwards you've done begging the BCS to let you into this game? I had absolutely no idea that there are practice games 3/4 of the way through seasons. I didn't realize that the NCAA approved of teams playing warm-up matchups against its opponents.  Why practice against your own squads when you can simply practice against and test the weaknesses of the teams you have to play? Losing to them doesn't count because it's just practice.  Heck, why even play a regular season?  After we played AND BEAT YOU the first time, why didn't the BCS just declare the season officially over and announce that the whole season to that point was complete and that LSU and Alabama would now play again for the NCG. 
Because after beating a team in their own house, we had to prove that we were worthy to play them again by playing more frequent and more challenging games than they would. What was the point of any of those games? Why force other college's athletic programs to waste money on their November schedules? Just pack it up and go home, guys.  Season's over.  Alabama got their practice shot at LSU.  Now they're ready for their DO-OVER.
That's right.
All of the commentators need to get something straight: Alabama is not the only team that can beat LSU. Alabama is the only team that can beat LSU if they get a do-over.
Alabama, your abomination of a championship means absolutely nothing. You won the moment it was announced you would be playing. No one outside of your state cares, and ESPN couldn't wait to get the headline off their website.  Your 12-1 record means nothing. The 13-1 team you just beat already beat you in your own home in one try. Your wife and children saw it happen, and even as they draw a "14" on your helmet, they know the truth.  You won a game on a stage your disinterested opponent already cleared.
Did LSU and their coaching staff stink it up on January 9th?  Sure they did.  It's pretty difficult to work up the desire to kick someone's butt when you've already done so in front of their loved ones.
Screw Alabama. My grieving schedule runs backward, just like the logic that allowed the Crimson Turds a two-month grace period. Alabama Sucks.

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