Cutthroat Island -- Film Review

1995 Carolco Pictures/MGM/UA Distribution Co.
Directed by: Renny Harlin; Written by: Robert King and Marc Norman
Starring: Geena Davis, Matthew Modine, Frank Langella, Maury Chaykin, Patrick Malahide, and Stan Shaw
MPAA Rating: PG-13; Running Time: 124 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 5/10

Morgan Adams, swashbuckler extraordinaire, races across land and sea to reach her Uncle Dawg's pirate ship, only to find Dawg's got her father walking the plank. She's fortunately there to rescue her dear old dad from the plank in time, but unfortunately not soon enough to stop a stray musket ball from sending him to Davy Jones locker. Before daddy croaks, he passes an important bit of info to Morgan--one-third of the map to the fabled Cutthroat Island is written on his scalp. Before his corpse is chilly, Morgan's off with his slightly hairy portion of the map, and claiming his pirate ship, The Morningstar, as her own. Now Morgan's off to find her other uncle, Mordecai, to get his third of the map, knowing full well that she'll have to face Uncle Dawg again, as guess who's got the final third? There's another hitch, though. The map appears to be written in Latin, and neither Morgan, nor her inherited crew, speak a word of it. She's got to buy a Latin-speaking jack-of-all-trades named William Shaw from a Port Royal slaver's block. The moment Shaw and Morgan unite, though, their troubles--and foes--seem to multiply. Carriage chases, mysteriously huge cannonball explosions, and swordfights-a-plenty ensue. Will Morgan ever reach Cutthroat Island? Will she ever claim its untold treasures? Do dog's have fleas?
Cutthroat Island is a big, loud, stupid celebration of excess, featuring a seemingly disinterested director and pair of leads. The former, Renny Harlin, just seems to want to blow everything up as anachronistically hugely as possible, and the latter, Geena Davis and Matthew Modine, have about as much chemistry as toothpaste and orange juice.
Cutthroat Island's cinematography and spectacle are beyond measure, though, with shot after beautiful shot featuring some of the most breathtaking coastlines human eyes have ever set upon. John Debney's bombastic, thrilling, theme heavy score is one for the ages, conjuring memories of Hollywood's Golden Age, while providing modern, sophisticated touches. These amazing sights and sounds run aground against Cutthroat Island's lousy direction, performances, and putrid dialogue, which easily wraps back around to reach so bad it's good territory. Any viewer expecting to escape the film without hearing multiple puns on Uncle Dawg's name will be disappointed on multiple occasions...then again, those desperately wanting to hear those puns delivered without any sense of irony or awareness of their purtridity will be overjoyed.
Cutthroat Island is a bad movie, but it's a movie worth watching. The spectacle and music can actually be enjoyed without irony. The amount of money thrown at the screen--helping to bankrupt producer Carolco Pictures when the movie flopped massively--is quite visible and astounding. The bad stuff, though...
Geena Davis has more than proven herself to be a great actress, so it's almost incredible how out of her element she is here as Morgan. Likewise, Matthew Modine is fine elsewhere, but as Shaw, he's a wormy boob. The duo's anti-chemistry is so chafing it nearly becomes charming by the end of the film. However, the true diamond in this coal-stack is Frank Langella's scenery-inhaling performance as Uncle Dawg Brown. Langella is absolutely having the time of his life, stomping around, bellowing orders, dishing out the film's hilariously badly written threats with such magnificent conviction, it feels like he could march over and chomp on the camera at any moment. It's a wildly entertaining performance, and as Langella's in the majority of the film, he ensures the listing Cutthroat never sinks into boredom. The New Jersey actor's the delightfully puckery lemon keeping away the scurvy of disinterest that even Cutthroat Island's lush visuals and score can't always fight away. Indeed there are moments that the beautiful backdrops and music almost seem to be mocking the onscreen action, such as a moment where Geena Davis leaps off a horse and barefoot kicks another pirate we don't even know, clearly missing him, yet still creating a loud clunking sound effect as he args over, the gorgeous sun setting over the sea, as Debney's soundtrack sweeps triumphantly. How much better that this scene immediately cuts to one where Langella is threatening to split another man's head open. That's Cutthroat Island in the glance of a spyglass.

Listen to Filmshake's episode on Cutthroat Island here:https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-11-cutthroat-island-1995/id1455033258?i=1000465687895