Cool as Ice (Film Review)

1991 Universal Pictures
Directed by: David Kellogg; Written by: David Stenn
Starring: Vanilla Ice, Kristin Minter, Michael Gross
MPAA Rating: PG; Running Time: 91 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 2/10

Johnny is a rapper, roaming around the country with his posse. Well, I guess you can what he does rapping. He and all his crew drive motorcycles, but one of the bikes breaks down in a small town, and the incredibly dated group are stuck there for the foreseeable future. Johnny sees a rich honor student girl "driving" a horse and decides that she should dump her zero boyfriend and get with him. Unfortunately, it turns out the girl's dad is in witness protection, and now a group of criminals are targeting him. Can Johnny get the girl, save her family, and will that damn motorcycle ever get repaired? Why did anyone think it was a good idea to make 1991's Cool as Ice?
Look, I am the original hater. In elementary school, I went against the grain of my peers and hated popular music--I listened to classical and jazz (and as I got older, alternative rock and metal). In third grade, during a free hour when someone brought a New Kids On the Block VHS, I begged the teacher to let us watch a Rescue Rangers tape instead. More than anything, I hated Vanilla Ice. He reminded me up the dumbest popular boys in my class, who thought every fart they passed was the most genius act ever committed by mankind. Thankfully, as the 90s wore on, this type stuff became painfully uncool (not that it really mattered to me either way) and all the boys who reminded me of Vanilla Ice flunked out. The teachers never threatened to makes us watch a New Kids on the Block VHS again. Thankfully, I mostly missed the boyband comeback late in the decade because my peer group was too old to be into it. All that to say, I definitely never watched Cool as Ice. Until my podcast cohost just made me. Jordan, you bastard.
I went into Cool as Ice attempting to like it as an apology to Mr. Ice for how much I badmouthed him in the early 90s. Almost immediately, I was dismayed to find that Cool as Ice is a terrible film. Like MST3K bad. Vanilla's acting is as bad as you'd expect. His line delivery feels like the movie is trolling the viewer. The vast majority of the acting in the film is bad, and even respected veterans like Michael Gross are saddled with such goofy storylines and silly dialogue that there's nothing anyone can do to lift the picture. The romance is insipidly stupid, as is the rest of the film. The only reasons Cool as Ice has had somewhat of a positive reappraisal are Janusz Kamiński's nice cinematography and David Kellogg's dreamlike, art film direction. Kamiński would shortly become Steven Spielberg's award-winning cinematographer, and Kellogg, who directed a smattering of softcore pornographic films, disowned Cool as Ice...but not any of the softcore pornography he made.
Don't listen to what any hipsters or the guys who flunked out of sixth grade say. Cool as Ice is an absolutely lousy film, and in the lower tier of what 1991 has to offer. I don't hate Vanilla Ice anymore...I hate his music, but as a now middle-ager, I don't hate him. That doesn't change the facts. Cool as Ice is a terrible film and Vanilla Ice is terrible in it.