Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (Film Review)

2018 Universal Pictures
Directed by: J.A. Bayona; Written by: Colin Trevorrow
Starring: Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard; MPAA Rating: PG-13
Nicsperiment Score: 7/10

At this point, I think it's safe to say Jurassic Park might not be the greatest film franchise. While the first is a classic, it's held up by the great weight of nostalgia far more than a buoyancy of quality. Its first sequel is dreadful, patronizing and silly, while the third film, while a bit underrated, is still pretty inconsequential. Critics praised Jurassic World, the fourth film in the franchise, and a bit of a soft reboot, but truth be told, it's somehow both ridiculous and by-the-numbers. Jurassic World not only features a plot featuring scientists creating a hybrid dinosaur out of all the most ferocious species, but a scene where a grown man leads a pack of running velociraptors, while riding a motorcycle. Somehow, it's still directed in such an anonymous style, it might as well have been credited to Alan Smithee.
I found myself so unbelievably bored during Jurassic World, I actually started to zone out, thinking about what I'd make for dinner. and also wondering if maybe the critics just missed seeing dinosaurs on the screen. Why is it so difficult to make an engaging film about dinosaurs?
This time, for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, Universal has gone out and hired a genuine auteur to direct. The crazy thing is, jaded, sequel-burnt critics aren't even giving it a chance. Says the Rotten Tomatoes summation: "...genuinely thrilling moments are in increasingly short supply."
Really?
So The Lost World is full of thrilling moments? Jurassic Park III? Jurassic World? Now with this new one, they're in increasingly short supply? Did you guys even look up from your cell phones while the film was rolling?
Lest I oversell, let me get out of the way that Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is a profoundly stupid film. It may be one of the stupidest $200 million-budget movies ever made. But damn if it doesn't look amazing, and isn't a tooth-load of fun. Director, J.A. Bayona, he of The Orphange and When a Monster Calls fame, knows exactly what kind of script he's been handed.
How's this for a plot?
Inexplicable volcano now exists on the same island as the now defunct Jurassic World park, where dinosaurs are now running free. Volcano is going to wipe out all the dinosaurs. The leads from the first film, a trashy gamekeeper played by Chris Pratt, and an ever mellowing hard-edged businessperson, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, head to the island to try to save their old dinosaur buddies. HORROR OF HORRORS, though, there's another team on the island who wants to capture and exploit the dinosaurs for personal gain! 
Where have we seen this before?
Oh yeah, it's the same plot as three movies ago! Even, the last act, which I haven't even mentioned yet:
 And then the dinosaurs get back to and wreak havoc on the mainland? Yes, this is nearly an identical plot as movie two, The Lost World.
On paper, this is a retreading disaster, but not in Bayona's hands. He's seen Spielberg's The Lost World, and knows that having the leads act like sanctimonious assholes isn't fun for anyone. Man, when Vince Vaughn and Julianne Moore are getting all self-righteous about the dinosaurs getting caged in The Lost World, you can literally see Spielberg behind the camera, pouting his lower lip-out in sad-faced direction. These movies are supposed to be fun.
Bayona's film is the most fun Jurassic Park film since the original. He knows how ridiculous this all is, so why not make it stylish, badass, and awesome?
He films a simultaneous dinosaur stampede/volcano eruption/ near-drowning sequence in a theme park, roller-coaster-style, which is so thrilling, pre-00's Spielberg would be taking notes. In an hypnotic, impressionistically lit long shot, Chris Pratt runs full speed at a dude, lifts him off his feet, and slams him into a wall like a professional wrestler. A dinosaur winks at the damn camera. Blue, the well-trained velociraptor from the first film becomes the main protagonist. The last third of the movie is gothic horror set in an old, haunted mansion, midnight moon overhead, lightning strikes creating scary shadow-flashes upon the walls. If J.A. Bayona is going to create trash, then by golly, it's going to be the kind you want to dig through.
Pratt and Dallas Howard bring just the right combination of dedication and "is this seriously happening?"-ness to their roles, running, screaming, punching folks, getting licked by dinosaurs, and ribbing one another. There's a kid, too, because these movies always have a kid, but this one is just a bit more interesting than usual, due to an actually surprising plot twist I won't spoil. There's an "I hate adventures" side character, played with pitch-perfect hilariousness by Justice Smith, as well as Daniella Pineda as a tough-as-nails, sarcastic paleo-veterinarian (YES, A PALEO-VETERINARIAN, and also, "Yes, a paleo-veterinarian," is actually a line in the movie). There's also a game Rafe Spall, chewing the scenery as the dino-exploiting villain like an 80's teen comedy bully, because that's exactly how he should be playing the bad guy in this sort of movie.
The true star of the show, though, is Blue the raptor, loyally protecting Pratt and crew, fighting vicious carnivores and evil soldiers alike. If anyone goes through a true "arc" in this film, it's her, and scenes like one of her running and jumping out of a window to escape an explosion like John McClane after she's cleared out a room full of bad guys, had me pumping my fist in the air. She's a bonafide action hero. Just write the upcoming third Jurassic World movie from her perspective. Speaking of, after Fallen Kingdom's cliffhanger ending, I'm genuinely excited for a Jurassic Park sequel for the first time since 1997.
The original Jurassic World director, Colin Trevorrow, is lined up to direct the third film, and I hope he's taking notes. If truly original ideas are off the table (like shooting the film solely from the dinosaurs' perspective), then this is what a Jurassic Park movie should be.