Queen of the Damned

2002 Warner Bros. Pictures
Directed by: Michael Rymer; Written by: Scott Abbott and Michael Petroni
Starring: Stuart Townsend, Aaliyah, Marguerite Moreau, Vincent Pérez, and Lena Olin
MPAA Rating: R; Running Time: 101 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 2/10

The Vampire Lestat is enjoying a decades long nap in his New Orleans coffin, when he is suddenly awakened by the sweet sounds of early 00's nu metal. He's absolutely got to find out who's making these splendid noises, so he flies out into the night only to land in the practice space of a young, S&M-clad crew of musicians who are even pastier than he is. Before you can ask, "Is Lestat's singing voice that dude from Korn?" the band have become the biggest in the world, with frontman, Lestat, as Earth's most enigmatic celebrity figure. However, the flamboyant Lestat has also taken extra care to load his song lyrics with vampire lore and gossip. Not only has this angered Earth's other vampires, who have enjoyed a secret existence--it's awoken the ultra-powerful and ultra-evil Akasha, the Queen of the Damned. Turns out she's sweet on Lestat, but not so much his human companion, Jesse...or...anyone else.
Queen of the Damned could have been a post 9/11 nu metal-influenced cult classic. In the first ten minutes, it feels like it will be. I mean, you've got a wry, sly, and charismatic vampire who wakes up after years of slumber because he hears the music of his heart--and that music is nu metal! And then he, Lestat, offers a young band a nearly literal deal with the devil, and they accept because Lestat's singing voice is not nearly literally that of Jonathan Davis from Korn's, but literally that of Jonathan Davis from Korn. Davis even wrote the band's songs for the film! And they're fun as hell! Plus, Lestat is played by Irish, now partially retired actor, Stuart Townsend, who smirks delightfully through every second of his performance. This might not be the recipe for greatness, but it's the slam-dunk recipe for some goofy, memorable fun. Unfortunately, that opening ten minutes is followed by laughable plotting that jumps around aimlessly, awful pacing, and some of the worst special effects of the 00's. Even more unfortunately, the premise and Townsend aren't the only things wasted here.
R&B star, Aaliyah, passed away after filming Queen of the Damned, making this her last completed film. The singer showed promise in the similarly lousy Romeo Must Die, but here she's asked to do little more than snarl and burn people up with dreadful-looking CGI fire. Mighty Ducks star, and huge early 90's Nicsperiment crush (along with D2's Colombe Jacobsen), Marguerite Moreau, gets little more to do as Jesse than follow Townsend around, and dress in the sharpest semi-goth early 00's fashions. No one really gets to do anything much at all. This film is as stagnant as a drainage pool in the middle of the woods.
Author, Anne Rice, whose work is loosely adapted here, became disillusioned with Hollywood after Queen of the Damned, and decided to no longer allow her work to be bastardized on screen. Ironically, director Michael Rymer, who does not acquit himself well here, moved on to television to do great work (Battlestar Galactica, Hannibal). Townsend eventually moved to Costa Rica, and opened a car garage. Queen of the Damned is $4.99 to rent on streaming services. Watch something else.