Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

1985 Paramount Pictures
Directed by: Danny Steinmann; Written by: Martin Kitrosser, David Cohen, amd Danny Steinmann
Starring: Melanie Kinnaman, John Shepherd, Shavar Ross, Richard Young, and Marco St. John
MPAA Rating: R; Running Time: 92 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 5/10

Tommy Jarvis once killed mass murderer, Jason Voorhees, after watching the hockey-masked maniac go on a murder spree, and now his psyche is shattered. After several mental institutions fail him, Tommy is shipped off to Pinehurst Halfway House, an "experimental" institution that strangely...just seems like a summer camp for horny teenagers. Go figure, the horny teenagers get naked, and get murdered, by someone in Jason's trademark hockey mask. Can Tommy, during the few moments that he is actually onscreen, stop Jason without turning into a monster himself?
My wife woke me up at 4 am this morning because she couldn't find her Kindle. She woke me up the night before at 2:30 am because she couldn't figure out how to turn off the TV. I haven't slept since Friday, and somehow even I have more functioning brain cells than the cocaine-addled collective who made 1985's Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. Everything in this movie is so incredibly stupid and nonsensical that on my scoring system, this movie goes down past zero, and comes back around to a four out of ten because its stupid nonsensicality becomes entertaining in its unpredictability. From the dumb opening dream sequence, to the institution's weirdo inbred neighbors who yell and scream and cuss and jump motorcycles and have a bizarre obsession with stew, to a candy-bar eating kid with chocolate-covered hands who wants to help with laundry and is so annoying that he randomly gets axed to death by someone who ISN'T the masked killer, to the fact that the movie is so horny there's a moment where one of the female characters looks in a mirror and flashes herself, to another character stretching the "oh no, I fell down in the mud and I can't get up trope" to its stringiest limit, to community-theater level performances that are far more entertaining than just regular old acting.
22 people are killed in this lousy murderthon, and the vast majority of the kills are relegated to a knife rising up in the frame, a cut to the victim's terrified, screaming face, and then a cut to the same exact shot of the knife, except now it is covered in blood. Apparently, the set for this film was a drug-filled haze, which feels obvious, but again, the level of stupidity here is so high, the lack of logic in the plotting in character choices is so egregious, the nearly mute lead is so conspicuously missing throughout most of the film to such a noticeable degree, it's all just so ridiculous, A New Beginning is now high on my list of favorite bad movies. It's so bad, it's a wonder anyone ever put on a hockey mask again, but it's also so bad, it's actually not bad!