Rocky IV (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) -- Various Artists

8/10

Rocky IV is the greatest long-form music video ever created...its merits as a film are debatable. Watching Rocky unite the United States and Communist Russia together by avenging the death of his mentor to hot 80's synth rock is sublime if you take it for what it is and don't expect Citizen Kane. Does that reference still work, by the way? I love Citizen Kane, but how many people under 36 (i.e. younger than I am...damn, I am old...what happened...I feel like I am just realizing this as I type this sentence...but I feel young...so that means I'm young...moving right along...) have actually even seen it or are even aware of it enough to get the reference? Has some other title taken over the lexicon? Do kids these days say, "It's no Game of Thrones?" Whatever they say, Rocky IV isn't that, but watching montages of Rocky pushing boulders up snowy mountains, inter-cut with footage of his opponent training in a sterile, mechanical gym as he's pumped full of steroids, should get anyone ready to fight. Director/Rocky himself, Sylvester Stallone, certainly understood what he was doing here, and helped put together a sort of 80's synth rock dream album. Here's a track-by-track look.
1. "Burning Heart" by Survivor -- Stallone brings back the creators of Rocky III's "Eye of the Tiger" to give Rocky IV a more solemn, determined track. It steels you up before the more rousing numbers.
2. Like John Cafferty's "Heart's on Fire," a driving, blindingly optimistic synth-rock track, featuring a sweet funk-slap bass line and canned drums that will make you want to run around the room and air punch until you are out of breath.
3. "Double or Nothing" by Gladys Night and Kenny Loggins -- Ugh, what's this? A wussy little love song cluttering up my badass synth-rock album? Yes, "Double or Nothing," I put a dash in "synth-rock" this time. Now, get out of here!
4. "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor -- It's a reprise of Survivor's classic Rocky III track, focused and mean, and leaning more on guitar than some of the more synth-heavy tracks. Sweaty and purse-lipped.
5. "War" by Vince DiCola -- Synth-battle music, played as Rocky fights Ivan Drago, the opponent who killed his friend and mentor, Apollo Creed. If you grew up in the 80's, these sounds are ubiquitous...perfect for watching the montage of the round-number cards flipping by between shots of Rocky and Ivan pummeling each other. Also, it ends with a strange minor key announcement of Rocky's victory music.
6. "Living in America" by James Brown -- The awesome, funky, flamboyant James Brown track that plays before Apollo Creed is killed in the ring by Drago. It's fun divorced of its subject matter, but a little dread-inducing if you've been conditioned by what happens after it appears in the movie.
7. "No Easy Way Out" by Robert Tepper -- This song is like the ultimate 80's "muscle-dudes with emotion" track ever. It's played when Rocky is driving his car really fast and thinking about whether or not he wants to box the dude/inhuman Russian boxer who just killed his best friend, in one of the film's 1,000 montages. That "Montage" song from Team America: World Police is essentially about Rocky IV. I don't care. Rocky IV is awesome, and I love it without any sense of irony involved whatsoever. "No Easy Way Out" is driving, slap-bass-heavy, hair metal guitar solo'ing, "I-bet-I-can-sing-this-more-earnestly-than-Springsteen-could" incredible, and the 80's ruled.

8. "One Way Street" by Go West -- Wait, what the hell is this, Stallone? It's got the synth but no rock. This is like background music while Rocky and Apollo are sitting next to the pool, jauntily arm-wrestling. No thanks, dude! (Actually, it's background music while Rocky washes his car, so I guess it isn't supposed to be ballsy, rock-crushing music)
9."The Sweetest Victory" by Touch -- Yes! Back to rocking! How is this song not made by Foreigner? It sounds like something Foreigner put in a safe because it is too awesome for the world to hear. Yeah, "The sweetest victoryyy!" I am gonna shake out my mullet now in victorious slow motion!
10. "Training Montage" by Vince DiCola -- Did I mention that Rocky IV also includes an awesome, all-original symphonic synth soundtrack, composed by Vince DiCola? "Training Montage" and the above "War" were composed by DiCola, and Rocky IV isn't even hiding what it actually is in this track: the greatest two-hour montage ever made! Wait, did I already say it is the greatest long-form music video up above? Well, it is definitely one of the two things I said it is the greatest of. You just take your pick. I am ecumenical like that. Also, those synth drums! YEAH!!!
So there you have it! The greatest soundtrack for the greatest long-form music video/film montage ever made! It...uh...it has two really wimpy tracks you can make your protein shake during, but those other eight just put me in prison for assault and also a speeding ticket. I don't know who I hit, or how fast I was driving. Man, Rocky IV should be a banned substance!...I feel like this last paragraph would have played better in the 80's...sorry 2018...my very earnest apologies.

1985 BMG
1. "Burning Heart" by Survivor 3:50
2. "Heart's on Fire" by John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band 4:12
3. "Double or Nothing" by Gladys Knight and Kenny Loggins 3:45
4. "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor 4:07
5. "War" by Vince DiCola 5:56
6. "Living in America" by James Brown 4:44
7. "No Easy Way Out" by Robert Tepper 4:23
8. "One Way Street" by Go West 4:38
9. "The Sweetest Victory" by Touch 4:24
10. "Training Montage" by Vince DiCola 3:40