Gambino's Double Cream-Cheese Kingcake Is an Abomination Against God
I was out and about for lunch today, and realized I was really close to Gambino's Bakery. Then I thought, It's almost been a full day since I bought a king cake. I should buy a king cake.
I wanted a cream cheese, but turns out they only had "Double Cream Cheese," and for just six more Washingtons! And then it happened.
I brought the box to my car, opened and started eating. This thing isn't a kingcake. It's a monstrous ring of iced and sprinkled cream cheese in a king cake shape. Which is a ring.
With the first bite, I realized something was wrong in the depths of my soul. Where's the bread? I can see hints of it, but I think it may only be tanned cream cheese skin. With the second bite, I thought, if I was Catholic, I would be at confession in ten minutes. Since I am Protestant, though, I'm just gonna feel guilty for a while, promise myself I won't do it again, and then get on with my life, but not before warning others of the evil, rich, and dark rivers of gluttony lurking in the depths of Gambino's Bakery. But then I took a third, fourth, five, six, seventh, eighth, and ninth bite, then transcribed this message to a paramedic, who is currently loading me into a stretcher, after I had a heart attack. I hope that...
MESSAGE ENDS ABRUPTLY
I wanted a cream cheese, but turns out they only had "Double Cream Cheese," and for just six more Washingtons! And then it happened.
I brought the box to my car, opened and started eating. This thing isn't a kingcake. It's a monstrous ring of iced and sprinkled cream cheese in a king cake shape. Which is a ring.
With the first bite, I realized something was wrong in the depths of my soul. Where's the bread? I can see hints of it, but I think it may only be tanned cream cheese skin. With the second bite, I thought, if I was Catholic, I would be at confession in ten minutes. Since I am Protestant, though, I'm just gonna feel guilty for a while, promise myself I won't do it again, and then get on with my life, but not before warning others of the evil, rich, and dark rivers of gluttony lurking in the depths of Gambino's Bakery. But then I took a third, fourth, five, six, seventh, eighth, and ninth bite, then transcribed this message to a paramedic, who is currently loading me into a stretcher, after I had a heart attack. I hope that...
MESSAGE ENDS ABRUPTLY
Comments
And, completely unrelated, but did you hear the excellent Drowned God album???
"Woah," he said, "135% of your daily allotment of saturated fat."
"Per cake?" I asked.
"Yeah. Wait...no. By serving."
"Uh...how much is a serving?"
"One slice."
"How many...slices...were in these things?"
"16."
If I did that today, I would likely die halfway through.
Yes, after more than 14 years, I decided it was time for a change. I've been waiting for a picture of me to be more ridiculous than the one of me playing drums with a coat and gloves on. It finally happened.
Also, yes, I heard it and I enjoyed it, but I feel like it's going to take three or four listens to unpack the whole thing--it's pretty dense! I will say, though, at first listen, I didn't quite find the lyrics to be as downer as I thought they'd be...but then again, multiple listens might reveal more of that, too!