Wild Wild West (Film Review)

1999 Warner Bros.
Directed by: Barry Sonnenfeld; Written by: S. S. Wilson, Brent Maddock, Jeffrey Price, and Peter S. Seaman
Starring: Will Smith, Kevin Kline, Kenneth Branagh, Salma Hayek, and Ted Levine
MPAA Rating: PG-13; Running Time: 106 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 10/10

Wild Wild West is the crowning achievement of 1990's cinema. The films of the 90's were a vehicle to untold heights of artistic achievement and expression. In 1999, as the the decade came to a close, Wild Wild West pronounced, "Give me the keys--I'll drive this baby home."

Barry Sonnenfeld's magnum opus stars Messrs. Will Smith and Kevin Kline, respectively. Smith, at the height of his blockbusting powers, portrays both desperado and rough rider, Jim West, and according to the film's titular theme song, "Any damsel that's in distress be outta that dress when they meet" him. Kline impressively inhabits the role of scientifically-inclined Artemis Gordon, who the theme song assures us is, in Artemis' only mention, "with" West.

Under Sonnenfeld's direction, the duo achieve a chemistry unlike that in few other films with a $170-million-dollar budget. Whether it's the way Gordon looks at West with a jealousy and disgust the script most likely does not call for, or the way that West talks to Gordon in the legally-mandated Will Smith mid-summer-release tone, there's certainly no other duo like this one--and good thing!
At the behest of President Ulysses S. Grant, Gordon and West must battle the dastardly legless mad scientist, Dr. Arliss Lovelace. Lovelace is played by Kenneth Branagh, an actor who is the first man to be nominated in five different Academy Award categories, the winner of the Golden Quill Award for Excellence in the Dramatic Arts, and a Knight of the British Order. It seems Lovelace, angered that the Confederacy surrendered during the Civil War, wants to destroy the United States and create his own Lovelace-governed nation. To do so, he utilizes the most straightforward, common sense method, crafting an 80-foot-tall, steam-powered mechanical spider that can be taken out by two men who spend more time bickering about who will get to boink Salma Hayek than partaking in constructive behavior. Neither boink Salma Hayek.

Salma Hayek is also in Wild Wild West, and the filmmakers do their part to save the Earth by only having her wear enough clothing at any time to ensure the film maintains its cash-friendly PG-13 rating. Hayek plays Rita Escobar, a woman who tags along with West and Gordon, giving encouraging compliments to each throughout the film, and doing nothing else, which is the only shame of the film, as an attempt at a strong female figure in cinema with this level of tight-plotting and character work would surely be memorable. To make up for this, though, Smith and Kline make sure to be the strongest female figures they can be, during as many moments of the film as they can. Truly, everyone wins.

Wild Wild West, however, is most progressive in its treatment of race and disability, as both the African American West and the wheelchair-bound Lovelace make sure to engage in several conversations involving each other's respective station, all of which somehow eventually become pointedly sexual, climaxing in a scene where the white Lovelace tells West that West likely has a verv large penis because he is black, but that Lovelace has several mechanical ones.This conversation, naturally, centers around who will get to boink Salma Hayek. There simply hasn't been another film, especially in the last 21 years, that incorporates spider anatomy into such complex, sensitive discussions the way Wild Wild West does.

Several months after 1999 ended, the 72nd Academy Awards showered nominations and accolades upon such heralded and groundbreaking films as American Beauty, Magnolia, The Insider, The Sixth Sense, Being John Malkovich, The Matrix, and Fight Club. It's a shame only five films were allowed a nomination in each category that year because, as usual, the Academy was remarkably behind the times, shunning the more daring and avant-garde for the safe and familiar. If only a more forward-thinking organization helmed this prestigious ceremony, an 80-foot tall spider could not have shouldered Wild Wild West's magnificent penis...er...haul.