The Thing (2011 Film Review)

2011 Universal Pictures
Directed by: Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.; Written by: Eric Heisserer
Starring: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Ulrich Thomsen, Eric Christian Olsen, Trond Espen Seim, and Kristofer Hivju
MPAA Rating: R; Running Time: 103 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 4/10

American paleontologist, Kate Lloyd, is summoned to a Norwegian research station in Antarctica. It appears something has been found...and that something is an alien spacecraft...and its alien pilot. The pilot has been frozen in ice, and the massive creature is cut out and brought to the research station. What could go wrong? Well, that alien could thaw out, be extremely malicious, have the ability to take any form, and want to murder or take the body of every single soul in the research station...and it's up to this paleontologist with two first names to stop it.
Remaking the shocking, disgusting, and perfect creature-feature, 1982's The Thing is a non-starter. You're never going to top it. Simply side-stepping this by making a prequel that follows almost the same story beats isn't going to make anything easier. Director, Matthijs van Heijningen Jr., had good intentions. The 1982 original follows an American research crew in Antarctica, who begin their film trying to figure out what the hell happened at a destroyed Norwegian station. This 2011 film shows what happened at that Norwegian station, a setup that shouldn't be hard to payoff in a satisfying fashion. You'll need a solid chief protagonist, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead does just fine as the confident and assertive paleontologist that inexplicably has two first names, Kate Lloyd. The surrounding characters aren't particularly memorable, but at least no one is a detriment to the film, though personally, hearing frequent American impersonator, Aussie, Joel Edgerton, attempt to do an American accent, always makes me want to saw off my ears. The guy looks like Russell Crowe's little brother. Just let him be Australian.
A less than memorable group of characters can easily be overcome by a strong story, and in the case of this genre, great scares and gnarly creature effects. Well, the story is pretty much the exact one as in 1982's The Thing, simply taking place on this other base several miles away, right before the 1982 version happened. Even so, I don't think it makes sense to give a prequel the same name as the original. Why not Before the Thing? Anyway, we're back with the "no one can trust anyone, anyone can be the monster" trope, but this time with a bunch of nondescript characters instead of Kurt Russell, Keith David, and Willford Brimley. Well, that's okay, even that can be overcome by great creature effects, right?
Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. was determined to use practical effects for the monster in this film. After all, the 1982 film features what will likely always be some of the greatest creature effects of all time, and they're all practical. MVH Jr. even hired a practical effects company to handle things, and they even created a bunch of gruesome, awesomely gnarly effects that were used during filming...and then a digital effects company was brought in to replace the practical effects with nondescript, not the least bit tactile CGI. The monster looks like CGI animation and rarely, if ever lands. It just doesn't feel real, and thus, it is absolutely never scary. To add to the issues, and again, in opposition to the 1982 film, this movie is so darkly lit, you can generally barely see what the hell is going on, anyway. 

Thus, 2011's The Thing is an abject failure. Its only assets are that solid Mary Elizabeth Winstead performance, and a breezy pace that at least doesn't waste any time getting to the stuff that should have been good. Otherwise, this movie feels like it has no reason to exist, a decent idea that never materializes into any sort of satisfying form. 

It's often been said because it's often true: You come at the king, you best not miss.