Speed 2: Cruise Control (Film Review)

1997 20th Century Fox
Directed by: Jan De Bont; Written by: Randall McCormick and Jeff Nathanson
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Jason Patric, Willem Dafoe, Temuera Morrison, and Glenn Plummer
MPAA Rating: PG-13; Running Time: 126 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 2/10

Annie Porter once had to drive a bus that would explode if she drove it less than 50 miles-per-hour. Because of a mad bomber, she had to pilot what was essentially a TNT missile throughout Los Angeles traffic without ever being able to slow down. Now, she's on a cruise ship with her new boyfriend, Alex, attempting to get some Caribbean R&R, when, SHOCKER, the ship is hijacked. This time, the madman is an ex-cruise ship employee who got copper-poisoning while doing IT work, and wants revenge. But don't cruise ships sail very slowly? Aren't they so large and lumbering, anyone can see them when they're miles off, and get out of the way? Wouldn't audiences think this was a pale, boring riff on the original Speed? Hell, what do I know? I don't work in Hollywood.
Speed 2: Cruise Control, the biggest flop of 1997, almost immediately earned the moniker "Worst Sequel of All Time." The 25 intervening years since its release haven't exactly shed light on any previously unnoticed positive qualities. This movie is still terrible, with a bloated, nonsense script that presents a goofy romance between Sandra Bullock's Annie, and franchise newcomer, Jason Patric. With that element of the film being a non-starter, great, adrenaline pumping action is a necessity, but it's nowhere to be found here, until the last 20 minutes of this 126 minute film. Speed 2 features a bunch of aimless scenes that lack any entertainment value, and often beg the question, "Who thought any of this was a good idea." Indeed, the only idea Jan De Bont had for this film is featured in this film's previously mentioned, utterly stupid, marvelously entertaining final 20 minutes.
As the ship loses control, it heads straight toward a seaside Saint Martin city. While harbor-goers would have seen this enormous ship headed in their direction with hours to move out of the way, there's a thrillingly enjoying stupidity in watching all the port's little boats bounce off  of and get smashed by the massive luxury liner, culminating in an even greater, absolutely pure 90's thrill in watching the cruiser crash into the city docks and then through several city blocks. De Bont seems locked into these scenes, and it's a shame neither he nor his screenwriters could come up with an hour or so of even a mediocre film to lead into this smashing final act. As such, and especially considering the perfection of the original Speed, it's tough to consider this sequel anything other than a soggy, waterlogged disappointment.