Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (Film Review)

2010 Walt Disney Pictures
Directed by: Mike Newell; Written by: Boaz Yakin, Doug Miro, and Carlo Bernard
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton, and Alfred Molina
MPAA Rating: PG-13; Running Time: 116 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 4/10

Dastan is an adopted Prince of Persia, and along with his two brothers, who are princes by blood, he is sent to attack the holy city of Alamut by his uncle, who says the city is supplying Persia's rival with weapons. Long story in one paragraph, the city is successfully sacked, a mysterious knife and cloak are recovered, the cloak is given to the King of Persia as a gift, it burns him to death, Dastan is blamed, Dastan goes on the run, Dastan realizes the mysterious knife can turn back time, Dastan joins forces with the princess of Alamut, the princess doesn't trust Dastan at first but eventually falls in love with him, Dastan tries to find out who really murdered his father and discovers the shocking truth, parkour action inspired by the 2003 video game upon which the film is based ensues.
Cinematic video game adaptations are almost always bad, and 2010's Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time does little to break that stereotype. The plot feels rote and perfunctory, like it's just robotically hitting beats until the end credits. Neither the Prince of Persia, nor any of the other lead characters, are played by Middle Easterners. Though he is one of the palest actors in Hollywood, Jake Gyllenhaal is a serviceable lead, though his pronunciation of his uncle's name, Nizam, is different every time he utters it. Gemma Arterton fares a little better as the princess, though not much more is asked of her than "pout and look beautiful." She and Gyllenhaal at least have decent chemistry, though the perfunctory nature of the film mutes any investment the audience might have in their romance.
That's not to say the film is completely joyless or has no merit. The bigger action set-pieces are indeed the blandest of CGI noise, but the moments that best invoke the game, where Gyllenhaal and his stunt men run up and along walls, and jump from rooftop to rooftop, are actually a pretty good time. Unfortunately, those moments and any other redeeming qualities are few and far between. The majority of this film fits the post-Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl Disney live-action malaise, where the phrase "like watching a video game" is apt in all the worst ways. And I love video games. They're the only reason I watched and am reviewing this movie in the first place. The saddest thing is, that period of Disney live-action somehow looks like Georges Melies compared to where they are now, soullessly remaking their old films to the joy of no one. I'd even take a pasty Jake Gyllenhaal nonsensically splitting the difference between a bad British and a bad Middle Eastern accent over that.