Pretty Woman (Film Review)

1990 Touchtone Pictures
Directed by: Frank Marshall; Written by: J.F. Lawton
Starring: Richard Gere and Julia Roberts
MPAA Rating: R; Running Time: 119 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 4/10

Julia Roberts is a prostitute trying to make rent. Richard Gere is a businessman who rips family businesses apart and sells the pieces. He's terrible in a relationship, mostly because of the relationship part, so hiring a prostitute for his week in Hollywood, as he buys out and tears up another business just makes sense. Somehow, though, he falls for the prostitute. I guess it's because she's a… Pretty Woman.
Look, I'm not a huge fan of romantic comedies. However, there are certainly romantic comedies that I like. Julia Roberts is even in one of those. That film is called Notting Hill, released in 1999, and features characters and a setting that feel real. I do not for one second buy the characters or setting in Pretty Woman. I do not believe that Julia Roberts is a prostitute. I do not believe Julia Roberts' character is even in any way a real person. It’s not just that she does not feel or act real. It’s not just that she is not written real. The film essentially features no nudity, but Roberts still often and quite obviously uses a body double throughout the film...even on the famous poster! You can almost see the Hollywood contract clauses onscreen!There is no verisimilitude here! But The Nicsperiment, you might say, Pretty Woman is supposed to be a fairy tale! It isn't supposed to feel real! Well, then it is an uninteresting fairy tale.
Gere's character is completely uninteresting. He is supposed to have daddy issues, but in modern terms, he is the sad biege of characters. He just doesn't make an impact. And if this is supposed to be a Cinderella-esque fairy tale, why flirt with the grit at all? Apparently, the original script for the film was very dark and gritty, until Disney bought the rights to it and had it sanitized. If you're going to clean the story up so much, why not just make the Roberts character a non-prostitute country girl who is badly failing in the city? Gere could still pay her to be his companion for the week. Things don't really get steamy between Gere or Roberts until near the end of the film (where they have real chemistry...and you can tell Roberts isn’t using a body double…go figure), which would still feel natural, except now Roberts would feel like a real person. The fairy tale touches could remain and feel all the stronger!

As it is, Pretty Woman just doesn't work. I don't care if it made eleventy billion dollars 35 years ago. Roberts' star power and the movie magic of the romance late in the film, due to Frank Marshall's experienced hands, save the film from being a total disaster. I get why it was a phenomenon back when I was a child. But boy is Pretty Woman lousy.