Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (Film Review)

1991 New Line Cinema
Directed by: Michael Pressman; Written by: Todd W. Langen
Starring: Paige Turco and David Warner
MPAA Rating: PG; Running Time: 88 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 4/10

The Ninja Turtles must find out the secret of the ooze. The manufactured slime material mutated the Turtles and their rat ninja master, Splinter, from tiny animals, to human-sized, intelligent, anthropomorphized creatures. Huh, I guess they knew the secret all along. Also, Shredder, the turtles' armored nemesis, is somehow magically alive...and he wants the ooze for himself.
Most people who haven't seen 1991's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze since the 90's generally have the opinion that it is on par with the first film. It's probably better that those people never watch The Secret of the Ooze again--it's nowhere near the quality of the 1990 original film.
From the start, it's clear that this is a different type of film. The Turtles get into a fight and the melee is completely toothless. The Turtles, weapons-based fighters, never once use their weapons. The choreography is silly, bloodless, and the Turtles never seem to be under any threat. This extends to the entire film, which drops all of the darkness, grit, and emotion of the first film for substance-free fluff. The film's lack of emotion is perhaps the hardest thing to stomach, worse than a pizza with rancid cheese. The first film, like this one, features grown men in giant turtle costumes, mentored by a giant rat puppet. That film, at multiple points, has caused grown men to cry. It showed children in the early 90s that darker, heavier emotions are okay. Anytime Secret of the Ooze threatens to become emotional, the film immediately veers into goofiness. It disrespects the maturity and intelligence of its audience, whether child or adult.

If one wants only the barest aesthetics of the Ninja Turtles, or a cinematic version that feels like a lesser episode of the cartoon show, Secret of the Ooze is worth a watch. Otherwise, stick with the original.