The Haunting (1999 Film Review)

1999 DreamWorks Pictures
Directed by: Jan de Bont; Written by: David Self
Starring: Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Owen Wilson, and Lili Taylor
MPAA Rating: PG-13; Running Time: 113 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 2/10

After spending 11 years caring for her recently diseased mother, Nell can't sleep. Lucky for her, there's a sleep study taking place at a local mansion that's paying big bucks, and she's been accepted. Unluckily for her, the doctor holding the study is actually studying fear, not sleep, and planning to creep out his test subjects in the gaudy old mansion. Unluckily for the doctor, the house is actually haunted.
It' almost unbelievable how bad 1999's The Haunting is. In 1994, Jan de Bont directed one of the greatest action films of all time, in 1996, a fun disaster film, in 1997, a horrible sequel to that great action film, and in 1999 this. To say he's not suited to the material is an understatement, but then I'm not sure who would be. First time screenwriter, David Self, is credited with this stinker, taking one of the best "Is she crazy, or is this house really haunted?" stories ever written, and morphing it into an awful, cheesy, "She's not crazy, and now she's going to save some ghost children" tale. As the central "she," the generally great Lili Taylor is tied to a cinder block and told to swim across the Gulf of Mexico. She can't do it, and no one in the cast acquits themselves well in this garish, Schumacher's Batman and Robin-esque, Machine Age mansion. Liam Neeson at least gets to use his native accent, though Catherine Zeta-Jones, who can stake a legitimate claim to being the most beautiful woman on Earth in the year 1999, has to unconvincingly adopt an American one. The film is well aware of her beauty, and its focus on it during her scenes is one of the only things that make this awful movie tolerable.
As beautiful as Zeta-Jones is, the CGI special effects here are laughably ugly, so artificial that the only thing they'll terrify are the people who created them in horrific "I wish I could wipe this off my resume" dreams, but considering they were created by the otherwise legendary Phil Tippett, I think he'll sleep okay thinking of all the great stuff he's done instead. De Bont's cutaway shots to the CGI cherubs' faces throughout this film should have triggered some studio executive to retool this film, but alas that never happened. 

Speaking of legendary, I started being reminded of that same year's The Mummy about halfway through this film. The Mummy is the exact opposite of The Haunting, a remake that uses CGI effects to its benefit, not its detriment. The reminder came from The Haunting's music, composed by legendary composer, Jerry Goldsmith, who also scored The Mummy that year. Goldsmith's work and Zeta-Jones' beauty are wasted here. At least the poster looks cool.