Troll 2 (Film Review)
1990 Filmirage
Written and Directed by: Claudio Fragasso
Starring: Michael Stephenson, George Hardy, Margo Prey, Connie McFarland, Deborah Reed, Jason Wright, Darren Ewing, and Jason Steadman
MPAA Rating: NR; Running Time: 94 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 2/10
There's crap, and then there's crap. Troll 2 is crap.
This is the kind of movie you watch on a dare or because you've been punished. Plot matters little other than as a suck-delivery-device. A suburban family has decided to trade places with a farmer family in the rural town of Nilbog. The suburbanites arrive in Nilbog to find the farmer family standoffish and strange. Off course, it's hard to tell if the farmer family are actually supposed to be standoffish or strange because every character in Troll 2 appears standoffish and strange. That is because they're all played by American layman, who showed up to a casting call posted by Italian filmmakers with a flimsy-to-valvoline-greased grip on the English language. Despite the filmmakers' lack of English skills, the Italians stoutly refused to let their amateur actors adlib any of the dialogue in their incoherent script. The result is a horrific horde of Mad Lib-esque conversations that would be hilarious if they weren't, like every single element of this film, so bad you want to gouge away your senses.
Turns out the farmer family have left the visiting city-folk nothing but spoiled milk in the fridge, and the town's got nothing for food but weird green cakey stuff. Turns out that's because the entire town is populated by man-eating goblins. Of course, these goblins only want to eat humans who have dined upon a transformative diet of magical goblin plant food...hence the spoiled milk and strange cake that turns you into a green-bleeding plant person. Strange cake, I can stomach, but spoiled milk is just cruel.
Yes, the acting is bad. Yes, the filmmaking is bad. Yes, the monster design, featuring goblins who chew by not moving absolutely any part of their mouths, is cheap and lousy. Yes, this movie is bad. I'd say it's so bad it's good, but that would be disingenuous. It's just bad. Troll 2 does have three or four scenes that are so ridiculously bad, they're worth watching, independent of the film, over and over again...however, those scenes don't make the actual film in its entirety re-watchable. The actual film is terrible, and no one should watch it, ever.
Just youtube (or whatever you kids are doing now) "Troll 2 They're eating her" or "Troll 2 Popcorn" and you're set. Don't go to Nilbog. It's Goblin backward. I just saved you 90 minutes.
P.S. If you're coming to this film looking for a sequel to the 1986 horror-comedy film, Troll, this isn't one. Troll 2 has nothing to do with Troll. Also, if you're coming to this looking for a film about trolls, there's a reason the town isn't called Llort. There ain't any.
Comments
"Although produced under the title Goblins, United States distributors were skeptical about the film's chances to succeed as a standalone film and renamed it Troll 2 in an attempt to market it as a sequel to the 1986 Empire Pictures film Troll.[2] The two films, however, have no connection, and no trolls are actually depicted in Troll 2."
On one of my long lost recordings, "The Goblin Bee," I had a song titled "Nilbog" but that's just because I used to think spelling things backwards was really fun. Didn't realize I was paying homage to such a classic and superb film though! :D
I'm really liking this new background, too.
Like Clue 2 (Like Nilbog is a clue!). How disappointing would that would have been to expect a murder mystery and get this instead!
Harry and the Hendersons 2 (Why Not?) Where's Bigfoot?
The Muppets Take Trollhattan! Why not?
You have a recording called Goblin Bee? How great of a visual is that?! A flying goblin who can buzz around with a stinger and honey-making abilities? What kind of sound did you pursue?
Thanks for the background kudos! I feel like I should have gone with this pic a long time ago.
Unfortunately, "The Goblin Bee" was terrible, as it was basically the result of not using an electronic instrument correctly. The instrument I used, the Yamaha DJX-IIB, is intended to be a groove machine, but instead of just letting the pre-programmed beats play and arranging them, etc.(because I wanted to be more creative), I tried making my own beats by pressing the buttons in such a way that would combine snippets of sound, but the combinations didn't sound like actual beats and just sounds choppy and annoying.
I probably explained that terribly; sorry for the long explanation!