Thirteen Ghosts (Film Review)

2001 Warner Bros. Pictures
Directed by: Steve Beck; Written by: Neal Marshall Stevens and Richard D'Ovidio (Based upon 13 Ghosts by Robb White)
Starring: Tony Shalhoub, Embeth Davidtz, Matthew Lillard, Shannon Elizabeth, Rah Digga, and F. Murray Abraham
MPAA Rating: R; Running Time: 91 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 5/10

Widower, Arthur Kriticos, and his impoverished family finally receive some good news. Arthur's recently deceased eccentric uncle, Cyrus, has left his mansion to the Kriticos family. Arthur decides he'll move himself, his two children, and their nanny into the house. Yes, nanny. Maybe "impoverished" in...movie terms? Anyway, as soon as the Kriticos clan reaches the mansion, something is amiss. The entire house seems to be made of some strange glass, enscribed with messages written entirely in Latin. Before you know it, a psychic Matthew Lillard shows up, and all hell breaks loose. Turns out this house is some sort of demonic machine, designed by the devil, that allows the user to see through all of time. It is powered by the presence of 12 sadistic, psychotic, and very dangerous ghosts, who want to murder the Kriticos. There's only one way to for at least some of the Kriticos family to survive...and it involves the title of the movie.
The early 2000's were one wacky cinematic period. A lot of its genre films feature a certain unique and gaudy campiness, of which Thirteen Ghosts is a great example. The film starts with a loud, in your face, swirly camera introduction, and wants to get the Kriticos family into the mansion so quickly, most of their introduction and journey to the house is done through a heavily ADR'd, camera movement montage. When they get to the house, very soon in this 91-minute movie, the design is uniquely early 00's, and quite frankly, spectacular, a sort of neo-gothic, purpled-out, music video nightmare. When the ghosts, which can only be seen with special glasses, show up, they are a special early 00's grisly of caked on makeup and black contact lenses, one with railroad spikes in its head, another a fully nude Playboy bunny covered in blood--and these ghosts...CAN KILL! This movie is goofy and dated as hell, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a lot of fun.
Most of the fun comes from Lillard, who's clearly having a blast running around and yelling through the ever-shifting halls of this crazy mansion. Over the years, Lillard has proven himself to be a versatile and immensely talented actor, but there's a stereotypically zany and high-energy version of him exemplified by his iconic Stu role in 1996's Scream that directors in the late 90's and early 00's could ask for and receive to their movie's great enhancement. Anytime Lillard blasts into the frame, his presence is enjoyable and magnetic, particularly as this role is a bit more of a nerdy, outcast take on the aforementioned Lillard persona. Tony Shalhoub tries to ground things with a more serious performance as family patriarch, Arthur, but again, this is a movie featuring a roided up ghost with railroad spikes in his head and another with enormous, always exposed breasts who walks around carrying a steak knife. This ain't Shakespeare. It's an early 00's horror movie. Enter at your own risk, but if you do, prepare to be simultaneously haunted by both extreme stupidity and the sneaking suspicion that you might be enjoying it.