Vampire's Kiss (Film Review)

1989 Herndale Film Corporation
Directed by: Robert Bierman; Written by: Joseph Mininon
Starring: Nicolas Cage, María Conchita Alonso, Jennifer Beals, and Elizabeth Ashley
MPAA Rating: R; Running Time: 103 Minutes
The Nicsperiment Score: 7/10

Peter Loew appears to be your stereotypical, narcissistic, 1980's Manhattan yuppie. He's got a big studio apartment, a job that mostly seems to consist of yelling at his secretary, and a nightlife filled with booze, drugs, and sex. One night, Loew brings a mysterious woman home and suddenly finds she's sinking her teeth into his neck. Soon, Loew's psyche unravels, and his taste for blood grows. He thinks he's turning into a vampire. If he is, though, why does he have to buy plastic fangs from a store? Why doesn't direct exposure to the sunlight kill him? Why does all the blood he's drinking make him gag or throw up? Is Peter Loew just crazy?
If you've been on the Internet, you've seen a Nicolas Cage meme, and if you've seen a Nicolas Cage meme, it likely came from his batshit crazy, absolutely off the leash performance in 1989's Vampire's Kiss. Joseph Minion, who wrote Martin Scorsese's ode to late night city life, After Hours, injects plenty of darkness into the script here, and I'm sure there are some deeper themes at play. For instance, Loew's ability to act like such a lunatic and make everyone around him miserable, while conversely making absolutely zero positive contribution to society seems like a great privilege only certain people are afforded--certain people, in this case, being yuppies in the 80's. Also, it's quite interesting that Loew's main wish as he's soon as he believes he's become a vampire is for someone to kill him. It's like his lifestyle is just giving him an excuse to die. But who cares about any of that complicated stuff? This movie is a showcase for Nic Cage's insanity, an opportunity for the talented and versatile actor to display just how far off the deep end he can go.
And boy is there, quite thankfully, no limit to the depths Cage can reach.
Constantly crazed eyes, jumping up and screaming the alphabet at the top of his lungs, leaping over his desk as he chases his longsuffering secretary, meekly flipping his couch over so that it functions as a makeshift coffin, curling up in a sad little ball like a disciplined puppy--it's here, it's all here, and my how glorious it is. As Cage's secretary, Maria Conchita Alonso brings just the right energy, an incredible "can't anyone see this guy is nuts besides me?" look constantly flowing from her frightened eyes. Meanwhile, a mysterious and seductive Jennifer Beals is great as the siring vampire who may only be a figment of Cage's imagination. Really, and perhaps only by serendipity, everyone brings the perfect energy here. Director, Robert Bierman, who did little after, seems to just be along for the ride, holding on for dear life in Cage's wake, but the film does look pretty good. While it's near supernatural high-energy does start to wane a bit by the end, and Cage's totally off any known type of rails performance and the film's late turn into gore might not be for everyone, Vampire's Kiss is about as fun as a film featuring Nicolas Cage running down the street screaming "I'M A VAMPIRE!" at the top of his lungs can be.